Hi everyone. It’s been a while.
This is the final post. One more post, before I shut this blog down and remove it from that collective digital aether known as the internet.
When I started this blog, I was slowly drowning in my own insanity. Clawing desperately for the surface while only sinking further into the cold dark, I needed some reminder that the voice of me was still in there. That I still existed. That in the end, I had not lost myself. Not totally.
And I needed to be heard.
I have been heard. Continue to be. By others. Lots of others. But more importantly, by myself. It is my own voice that talks to me more often now. You see, while my brain is by no means suddenly a hunky dory place to be all the time, the life of it has gotten stronger. It’s almost like the part of me that is real has climbed higher up. I can see the fallacy below now. No, I don’t always remember that fallacy is what it is, but there will always be that knowledge logged in the back of my mind, at least.
I have decided to live. I hit a point about a week or so ago where I realized that for all the depression I was buried under, suicide was no longer a satisfying option. I realized that it’s not that I want to die. I want to live – just, happily. I don’t want all the hurt anymore. And I am too curious. Suicide would leave too many questions unanswered. The product of my life would only be a series of “what if’s.” I am too much a writer at soul to give up at finding out the end of the story.
And so I change the focus of where I move my pen. My story is coming off the page now. Out of text, out of isolation, out of this virtual reality that has contained my thoughts. And while my blackest of thoughts have needed containing, there’s enough of me now to set the rest of me free.
Sure, the flying’s not going to be easy. I am under no such delusions. It’s still going to be rough. And I will forget this confidence that pervades my moment. But I can remember again. Broken wings can heal. It’s better, I think, than merely staying perched on the tree bough to only sing about flying.
Does that mean I’m going to stop writing? Hell no. That’s a ridiculous idea. It’s just that my sanity is more robust now – it no longer requires this space to be heard, to be valued, to be validated. I am immensely grateful for all who have read, all who have followed, all who have written and connected to this space of my mind. It’s been good, y’all. I’ll leave this page up for another day or so in the hopes that some of you might hear my thanks.
And then – and then it will be time to sign off, take a deep breath, and face life.
Best of luck to us all.