Body War

body war

I feel like I’m at war with my body right now. I woke up broken. I don’t know what’s going on. When my alarm went off this morning (an hour later than I remember setting it for, somehow or other), I had scrapes and abrasions on my knees. Nothing major, but there was definitely some skin missing. How the hell did that happen? I don’t remember getting into a brawl with my bed… or falling six feet out of it (I sleep in a bunk)… or doing anything else that might reasonably explain why my knees are suddenly red and raw. Super strange.

And then there’s the giant knot in my back that literally formed overnight. The muscles under my left shoulder blade have apparently decided to go on a strike about their existence and are making themselves very painfully heard. I didn’t sleep any differently than I usually do… at least I think I didn’t; my knees might know something that I don’t. But the pain in my shoulder is making me hate my body. I can barely sit still without my entire chest cavity tensing up, let alone even think about moving. There were a few times on my walk back from therapy where I had to stop right where I was as the pain shot from beneath my shoulder blade and made my whole body contract. There’s been a lot of mental swearing going on.

Not to mention that for the past two weeks or so my legs have decided that they also want to share in the let’s-go-haywire brigade. Every few nights or so, my legs suddenly start cramping up. It’s like a tension builds in my legs and turns into a spasm, and from my ankles all the way through my calves to my thighs, my leg jerks and contracts. I can’t control it. I try to stop it, but I can’t. My mother used to joke that I had restless leg syndrome because of how much I would (VOLUNTARILY) shake my legs; now I’m beginning to wonder…

I feel like my body is under attack – from itself. I don’t understand what’s going on. It’s hard enough, trying to fight the body war that happens in my brain, with all the body image crap that’s been jostling around up there lately, but now to have actual physical issues compiled on top of that… my skin is not exactly feeling like home.

And there’s the nagging feeling that maybe none of this would be happening if I hadn’t ever turned my body into a warzone…

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One Response to Body War

  1. Apple says:

    Maybe you could speak to a Dr about your muscles if it keeps happening? Sounds frustrating and incredibly uncomfortable. HUGS. xx

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