Nervous

strong enough to win battle

I’m getting nervous. When I saw my dietitian a week ago, she told me I was losing weight. Not too much yet, just a bit. I hadn’t been trying to, really. It just kind of happened. I felt like I was eating a LOT, but apparently I wasn’t eating as much as I thought I was…

So, my dietish told me to up the food intake. Not be anything specific, just in general, ’cause we’re trying to work with being flexible, instead of rigid – because that’s how my eating disorder gets me. With rules. And should’s. And must’s. And have to’s and need to’s and even could do’s. So we’re trying to stay away from all that lovely legalism.

But I’m wearing my jeans and noticing how they’re loose in some areas, and it’s making me nervous. I know, never thought that’d happen, right? “Normally” I – ahem, my eating disorder – would be doing a victory dance right now. But I guess that’s why it concerns me so much – because as much as the front of my brain is frowning and fretting at the potentially lost weight, the back of my mind is doing that victory dance. Quietly. Subtly. But doing it nonetheless.

I think I need to be more proactive in my recovery. I’ve been trying to live like I’m normal, and right now, I’m just not. I have to be more vigilant than this.

So, things I need to do:

1) Stop replacing food with coffee under the excuse of “but it has creamer in it.”

2) Eat the snacks I’ve been skipping.

3) Do one recovery activity every day. I choose making an art piece.

4) Journal more. I need to start being honest with myself instead of running away from my brain.

Okay. Deep breath. Here we go again.

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