I may have set myself up with that “doing well” post. I lapsed, guys. I would say “slipped up,” except that implies that there was something unexpected in my way, and I tripped. That it was an accident. And what I did was entirely intentional. Sort of.
I went to dinner with friends – Ethiopian last night. Everything was new and exciting and delicious. And I ate what I thought was an appropriate amount. And then a little more. And then a little more. And then I was TOO FUCKING FULL. Painfully full. Beyond a ten on a one to ten scale. And I hated it. I hated myself. “How could let yourself do this?” “Binger. Stupid binger.” “Really? Are you just going to turn into an overeater now?” “See that boyfriend sitting next to you? Think he’s still going to be into you if you’re fat?” Those were the messages that my head told me. And I didn’t even really realize most of them until now, thinking back on it. I mean, yeah, I also tried replaying the words of Leah, my treatment dietitian, telling us that “normal eating is sometimes eating a little under, sometimes overeating a little. It’s okay to not always eat perfectly. It’s normal.” Normal eating is sometimes overeating. Normal eating is sometimes overeating. Normal eating is sometimes overeating.
Nope. Didn’t work. I was still painfully full, and my stomach was screaming bloody murder.
So I purged.
I tried to talk myself out of it. Really I did. But it didn’t work. I didn’t work – at least not hard enough. But oddly – I don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t feel guilty about purging. I lapsed, guys. That was all. I’m not planning to do it again. I’m planning to learn from the situation, to figure more out about my boundaries and triggers. I’m not planning on suddenly purging all the time or anything. It was a one-time thing. I’m not saying I’m never going to purge again – because that would be setting myself up too – but I’m saying that it’s not like I’m planning on it.
Lapse. That’s all it was. A lapse.