I’m doing fairly well. I think. The past week I’ve actually been fine. Like, the real kind of fine. Not the I’m-ignoring-everything kind of fine. I’ve been eating “normally,” keeping things down, not exercising for like twenty hours a day, been having decent body image, and haven’t been all that preoccupied with eating disorder things.
Except now, today, I noticed Ed trying to slip back in.
I was going out to dinner with my friend, instead of eating my school cafeteria food. That in and of itself means that what I was going to be eating was probably more healthfully prepared than my typical diet. But still, my head started insisting that I have the salad. Not the vegan rueben, not the veggie burger, the salad. There was a war within my head as my mind battled over whether I really did actually just want the salad (in which case Ed was still there hurrah-ing in the background) or whether I wanted something else. I ended up going with the salad.
Then came dessert. That so-confusing part of the meal. I didn’t order anything, but my friend did – and what she got looked good. She ended up splitting it with me. And I ate it. And I didn’t purge. But my head was going the whole time. “Are you really eating this? Oh my god. I can’t believe you’re eating this.” And then, “well, I suppose it’s okay, since you’re going to be good and work out extra tonight. You’ll run all those calories off. And then you can just count this as your night time snack anyway.”
Not exactly the most eating disorder-free of thought patterns.
I don’t know. I just don’t know. Good as this past week has been, it’s also been confusing as hell. My mind has been stretched and folded and uncrumpled in so many different directions. I started dating someone. I have a boyfriend. And this is bringing up all sorts of questions that I never thought I’d have to consider before. Which I think might be part of why I’ve been doing better eating disorder-wise – my mind’s been occupied with other ruminations. But now that my mind is started to get itself off of those tracks, it’s starting to go back onto the old ones. And I don’t want that to happen. I want my mind to be free from eating disorder struggles. I don’t want to have to fight this battle anymore. I want it to be easier. I want it to be so automatic that I’m actually fairly “normal” when it comes to food. I want to get to just live my life again.
I want to be truly doing well.