I am interminably lonely. I have friends. Really, I do. But I feel like I’m always operating on a slightly different plane than they are, that we are somehow always separated, even if it’s only by a slight degree. I am a drifter. I float from friend to friend, never really fitting into anybody’s pattern.
I used to have a friend group. I belonged to a pattern for a little while. And then I effectively got kicked out of it.
I think I’m just frustrated, because I’m trying to find my place again at school. People have moved on since I left, and I was not a part of the movement. New dynamics have formed, new people have come in, new connections made – and I was an absent data input. I’m thinking more like a Techer again, but yet I am not fully the stereotype. I sit at lunch not able to join in on people’s conversations as they talk about the latest physics lectures, or the most recent electronics project they’re building. I’m a biologist. A macrobiologist. I work with animals and plants and people. And yeah, I know a hellofalot about microbio, but there isn’t anybody around to really talk about it with, and I’m not doing research in it anyway.
And so I sit apart, silent.
It’s a classic case of being in a room full of people and yet being completely alone. I wish I had more company than the inside of my own head. Oh well. Maybe with time…
I’m just left with this constant frustration that if I slowed down would probably leave me crying in a heap. And so I press on. I tell myself it’s really not that bad. I try to look on the bright side. Even when it’s just me alone in my room.
But I’m just getting really tired of pretending to be okay. Even to myself.
I am tired of being so interminably alone.