Back to Reality

thinspo legs

Well, I’m six days out of treatment, and the real world is hitting me hard.

I mean, I’m not using behaviors or anything, but the head chatter has gotten exponentially louder. Dissatisfaction is setting in hard. I’m back from my refuge from the fashion models, the commercials, the legs in Target jeans ads that are basically thinspo. I’m back in the world where my head whispers, “you could do something about it. You could fix it.” My head entices me to do my eating disorder “just a little,” to overexercise just a bit to slim down those “unseemly” parts of me. “It wouldn’t take much work,” Ana wheedles. “It wouldn’t take very long. You’d be done with me soon. And then you’d be happy.”

Happy, my ultimate confusion. Happy in my world means good enough. And my default for good enough comes in the form of perfectionism. Perfect grades, perfect volunteering, perfect body. And that last one is perhaps the most dangerous. Because that is the one that could kill me.

Granted, I did go clothes shopping today, so it makes sense that my body image critic would be more vocal today, having had more opportunity to speak up. Oh mirrors. How I hate them.

I don’t know. Already things are harder than I thought they would be. Already I can feel myself leaning in to the whispers, listening even as I am disagreeing with them. But at least I am still disagreeing with them.

I just worry that one day, I’m going to stop.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s