Today is my last day of treatment. I’m nervous as heck. Not because I don’t think that I can make it on my own (which is really “on my own,” given that I have a psych/therapist/dietitian/physician/support groups that I’ll be meeting with), but because… well, I think because it’s a last day. It’s a set of goodbyes, of endings.Today is different than every other day I’ve been in treatment, which just makes it something strange and odd an gangly and unruly. I doubt that I’ll feel rooted today. It’s going to be a challenge, not letting myself have one foot in today and one foot in tomorrow. I’m going to have to use grounding skills, big time. Stay in right now. Stay in here. Stay in the moment. And all those other therapist-y sayings.
Transitions are always difficult for me. Which I need to keep in mind, because I need to remember that I’ll have to be extra vigilant about sticking with my meal plan, not letting anything slide, staying on top of recovery skills instead of falling into old habits of worrying and what if-ing and wandering a million different places in my head.
Today is a closure, but it is also an accomplishment. I’ve come so frickin far since I started treatment. I remember my first week – I flat-out told treatment team that if I were to leave right then, I’d just go back to doing what I’d been doing, and worse. Now… I don’t want to go back. That’s not to say that I don’t still “want” to be skinny, that there isn’t still that pull to drive myself to be thin, but I’m separated from it now. I recognize that it’s just my eating disorder trying to pull me back in. That now that I’m going to be on my own, Ana’s throwing whatever bait she can find to see if I’ll hook. Well guess what? There’s more to life than looking like the front of a magazine cover. There are other things that make me happy – like animals and writing and friends – and I intend to strive for those things.
Trust is a big thing for me, too. I know when I relapse, it’s because I start trying to control everything, not trusting that the God I supposedly believe in is big enough to handle things for me. Well, I’m trying to remind myself that while yeah, the next few days are probably going to be rocky and shaky and uncertain, that doesn’t mean they’re going to be out of control, so I can just hand the reins over to God instead of trying to direct the whole stampede myself.
Gulp. Today’s a big day. But I think I can handle it.