I’ve got one week left, and I’m struggling like hell with body image.
My head is going to the place of starting to plan workouts to do to “fix” the things I don’t like about my body when I get out. I’m not even deliberately planning them – they just fall into place in my head. And I noticed that as I typed “fix the things I don’t like about my body,” my first inclination was to write “fix the things I don’t like about myself.” I think that needs to tell me something.
I keep trying to ask myself, what am I really not liking about myself? What is it that’s getting projected onto my body? But I can’t figure out what it is – if it’s even anything. I’m trying to keep on challenging body criticism with replacement thoughts: “my body is fine,” “that doesn’t need to change,” “nothing’s wrong with me,” “it’s natural,” but still I am left with that wrestling in my soul, that writhing discomfort that tells me that something is wrong, something is not okay, something is unacceptable and must, must be fixed.
My head tells me that nobody would want me in the condition I’m in. That I am not desirable. That I am not beautiful.That nobody would ever take a picture of me and put it up on facebook like they do with models.
This is ridiculous. I swing so easily from liking the reflection in the mirror to zeroing in on one fault. And that one thing that I am dissatisfied with becomes all-consuming.
But I know that I can’t go about trying to “fix” my body. Because that’s just going to end me right back in my disorder. And I do NOT want my eating disorder. I don’t want to be trapped anymore.
But I just don’t feel free.