Break Up

lonely teddy bear

I am running in circles in my head, skirting my emotions. My best friend at college essentially broke up with me. She spent an hour criticizing me and then told me that with everything I’ve been through, everything that’s happened, and all the stress it’s caused her, she doesn’t think she’s ready yet to have me in her life again.

She told me that she had nightmares for weeks of walking into my room to find me dead. And then, the day when she got called to my room and found me pretty damn out of it with an arm slashed to hell, that became her new nightmare. How do you handle it when your best friend tells you that you’ve given her nightmares?

She told me that the day she sent on the train to treatment, she went back to her apartment and dances around. My best friend danced around because I was gone. How do you handle that one?

She told me that I have been too much, leaned too hard, not been perfect enough at handling criticism for her to want me to be in her life again. It’s not that she hates me and doesn’t want to be my friend, she told me, it’s just that she doesn’t want me around like I was before.

So much for believing in your friends, believing that they can change when they put in the hard work. So much for that.

I am trying not to think about all this.

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6 Responses to Break Up

  1. Rose Petals on Rock says:

    Most people can’t handle it. I have been abandoned by everyone except my husband who I didn’t meet till I was almost 33. Before that everyone left. Everyone. I don’t blame myself, I blame them. they are weak and I am strong. It’s like that movie with brad pitt and legends of the fall or something. He was the rock and they were all just waves that smashed against him. We are the rocks and people try to be near to us but they get smashed. We don’t do it to them, we’re just standing there being a rock. It’s their problem, not ours. And my mother has spent my whole life telling me all the wonderful details of her gory nightmares about me. Such a joy to hear this crap from your own mother. And she’d actually wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me. I’m sorry for the loss of your friend.

  2. mo says:

    I love you. Remember that Jesus always welcomes us, embraces us with tears of joy. He doesn’t care what awful state you come home in, as long as you bring yourself. And it is ok that it hurts and that you cry, and just because it hurts doesn’t mean it is your fault.

    I pray the Holy Spirit embraces you now, and that He reaches out to your friend and gives her the healing she needs and allows her grace to give abundantly from His love. Don’t ever give off hoping, it does not disappoint. You are beautiful and precious and wonderful in His eyes. He would endure the cross all over again for just you, that’s how much He loves you.

  3. yourothermotherhere says:

    No one can change anyone. You can only change yourself and how you react.

    As for friends, it is a very fortunate person indeed, who can say they’ve had one friend for a lifetime.

    • miceala says:

      Very true, on all accounts. Losing this one friend, however it is that I’ve lost her, has made me all the more grateful for the friends I have who have stuck around.

    • yourothermotherhere says:

      People come into your path for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

      When you know which one it is, you will know what to do with that person.

      When someone is in your life for a REASON it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

      They have come to assist you through a difficulty…

      To provide you with guidance and support…

      To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually…

      They may seem like they are a godsend, and they are.

      They are there for the reason you need them to be.

      Then without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

      Sometimes they die…

      Sometimes they walk away…

      Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand….

      What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled…

      Their work is done.

      The prayer you sent up has now been answered and now it is time to move on.

      Some people come into your life for a SEASON.

      Because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

      They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

      They may teach you something you have never done.

      They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

      Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

      LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons.

      Things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation.

      Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

      It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.

      Thank you for being a part of my life…

      Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime

      ~ unknown author

  4. Russet says:

    Don’t take it to heart, lovie. I know that’s a lot easier said than done. But don’t let it get to you. We live in a world of death and dark things. Not many have the stomach for the demons we see.

    Everyone has their breaking point. And living the lives that we do, we demand so much from friends. If they don’t understand this life and the way these monsters operate, how can you blame them for running?

    Don’t let it get to you. This life is not for everyone, and we must all do what’s best for ourselves in the end to keep from falling under.

    The first time anyone said something like this to me I was fourteen. She was sobbing when she told me, and yes, you knew her at school too. She kept trying to explain why she couldn’t do this anymore, how I was dragging her down and depressing her. For a long time, I couldn’t understand – it felt like a personal attack. But it wasn’t. She tried, she tried her best to stand by me but at the end of the day she did the smart thing and took care of herself.

    The next time I heard something like that I was fifteen. I was going through old writing last week and found a printout of it – I’d written about it in an old xanga. I was talking to a good friend and she brought up someone I loved very much. She said, “I know she needs me, but I just can’t do this anymore. She makes me too sad. I hope she does leave. Because maybe next year the girl that replaces her, when I see her in the hallway I’ll smile, and maybe this girl will be able to smile back.”

    This is part of growing up. I’m so sorry, lovie. But this happens. We are not friends for those faint of heart.

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