I am running in circles in my head, skirting my emotions. My best friend at college essentially broke up with me. She spent an hour criticizing me and then told me that with everything I’ve been through, everything that’s happened, and all the stress it’s caused her, she doesn’t think she’s ready yet to have me in her life again.
She told me that she had nightmares for weeks of walking into my room to find me dead. And then, the day when she got called to my room and found me pretty damn out of it with an arm slashed to hell, that became her new nightmare. How do you handle it when your best friend tells you that you’ve given her nightmares?
She told me that the day she sent on the train to treatment, she went back to her apartment and dances around. My best friend danced around because I was gone. How do you handle that one?
She told me that I have been too much, leaned too hard, not been perfect enough at handling criticism for her to want me to be in her life again. It’s not that she hates me and doesn’t want to be my friend, she told me, it’s just that she doesn’t want me around like I was before.
So much for believing in your friends, believing that they can change when they put in the hard work. So much for that.
I am trying not to think about all this.