I can barely function. My heart is going silent. My creativity is wilting. I am paralyzed by the fear of what if’s and if not’s.
I have decided that I will not go back. I will not go back “home” to the place where my soul has been abused over and over again. I will fight for myself, I will do my recovery, and I will do it in my way and how I want because what I want matters. I don’t have to justify why what I want matters. Can’t it just be enough that I want it?
I have yet to tell my parents that I will not be returning to St. Louis, at least not for the kind of “homecoming” that they’re expecting. I have a letter to send to them. It is reasonable. It is straightforward. It asserts my needs while recognizing what of their preferences I am willing to consider. And I am scared shitless to send it to them.
I am afraid that they’ll just blow up again. Or rather that my father will blow up again. That he’ll jump to the conclusion that just because I don’t want them in my life in certain ways, it means I don’t want them in my life at all. I am afraid of losing their support financially. I am afraid of being taken off the insurance that I am using to pay for treatment right now. I am afraid of being told that I must suddenly do everything on my own, when I’m just trying to scrape by a survival right now, trying to eke out a life that is more than being left to the mercy of the criticism from within my own head. I’m not ready to do everything on my own. Cheap as it feels, I still acknowledge that yeah, I do still lean fairly heavily on my parents for their financial support. But hey, I’m trying to put my life back together right now. So that doesn’t make it wrong, does it?
My mind is racing, pulse threading, fear taking over how my heart beats. Words only run stunted through my mind and writing becomes something I’m afraid to do for fear of it coming out disfigured. I am thrashed back and forth between the very practical fear of becoming homeless and the less tangible concern of what all this stress is doing to my artistic side. I feel blunted and numb.
I am afraid.