I can barely function. My heart is going silent. My creativity is wilting. I am paralyzed by the fear of what if’s and if not’s.

I have decided that I will not go back. I will not go back “home” to the place where my soul has been abused over and over again. I will fight for myself, I will do my recovery, and I will do it in my way and how I want because what I want matters. I don’t have to justify why what I want matters. Can’t it just be enough that I want it?

I have yet to tell my parents that I will not be returning to St. Louis, at least not for the kind of “homecoming” that they’re expecting. I have a letter to send to them. It is reasonable. It is straightforward. It asserts my needs while recognizing what of their preferences I am willing to consider. And I am scared shitless to send it to them.

I am afraid that they’ll just blow up again. Or rather that my father will blow up again. That he’ll jump to the conclusion that just because I don’t want them in my life in certain ways, it means I don’t want them in my life at all. I am afraid of losing their support financially. I am afraid of being taken off the insurance that I am using to pay for treatment right now. I am afraid of being told that I must suddenly do everything on my own, when I’m just trying to scrape by a survival right now, trying to eke out a life that is more than being left to the mercy of the criticism from within my own head. I’m not ready to do everything on my own. Cheap as it feels, I still acknowledge that yeah, I do still lean fairly heavily on my parents for their financial support. But hey, I’m trying to put my life back together right now. So that doesn’t make it wrong, does it?

My mind is racing, pulse threading, fear taking over how my heart beats. Words only run stunted through my mind and writing becomes something I’m afraid to do for fear of it coming out disfigured. I am thrashed back and forth between the very practical fear of becoming homeless and the less tangible concern of what all this stress is doing to my artistic side. I feel blunted and numb.

I am afraid.

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5 Responses to Fear

  1. yourothermotherhere says:

    We all have fear.

    We all come from dysfunctional families in one form or another.

    It takes courage to admit you need help. You know that already.

    It takes courage to get the help you need. You’re doing that now.

    It takes courage to speak the truth, especially to your family.

    You see, you have fear, but look how far you’ve come already. If you have the strength to write this blog, to reach out, you have the will to get through whatever difficulties or crisis you are experiencing right now. Believe me, I’m not just talking, I went through a lot myself. Take it a minute at a time if you have to, but take that minute, and the next, and the next. One day you will look back on this time and marvel that you had the strength and fortitude to make it.

    In weakness there is strength because you can only go so far down before you pull yourself up again.

    Here’s a hug to you and I really mean it.

    • miceala says:

      Thank you, so much, for your wisdom and your encouragement. I am trying to remember that this is my recovery, my fight, and that just because a choice I’ve made makes somebody else unhappy, that does not mean that the choice was wrong.

      You stay strong, too. A very big hug back.

  2. I know the feeling. Im in the same situation. I think being strong and weighting your options will help. Thinking with a clear mind makes you stronger over all.

    • miceala says:

      Thank you. A clear mind definitely helps. Now that it’s been a few days and I’ve started figuring out the logistics of how I can be okay even if my parents go completely haywire, I’m starting to feel less helpless and hopeless. I just have to keep reminding myself to take a deep breath, take a step back, and not let my anxiety do the living for me. Wishing you the best in your own situation.

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