Thanksgiving dinner didn’t go so well.
I tried to kid myself and tell myself that after all the work I’ve done (yeah, a whopping four weeks’ worth…), I no longer have issues with food, and that it’s all actually just about the inside stuff, my personal issues.
I was fine for most of Thanksgiving, going the route of snacking throughout the day rather than eating actual meals, and planning to just have a slightly larger-than-normal dinner, and then dinner actually happened. I was really hungry. And so I had a roll that my friend made. And then I was instantly not hungry anymore, but knew that I had a crap ton more exchanges to get in.
So, I went with having fairly small portions – smaller than anybody else around me. Ed made sure of that. And I fled to my lovely food rituals, chewing slowly and taking tiny bites so that I wouldn’t be like “those other people who are just shoveling platefuls of food into their mouths.”
There was a lot of Ed talk that happened yesterday.
So, I finished my plate. And possibly because of the way that I’d been eating all day, my stomach was unhappy with me. I hate indigestion. It’s a bitch. So there was that, combined with being a bit more than uncomfortably full, but not knowing whether I was really too full or if it were just my stomach being persnickety or if I actually needed to eat more or what the hell was going on.
So Ed surfaced from the back of my mind and took over the forefront of my consciousness. “Purge,” he said.
I battled with him for a little bit. “No, Ed, I’m trying to do recovery. Purging isn’t recovery. That’s not how I handled this anymore.”
“But,” Ed protested, “you’re really uncomfortable. Purging would get rid of all that food inside of you and fix the problem.”
“But my friends want me healthy,” I tried, looking around at the table. “I don’t want to go back to old patterns anymore.”
“But you also don’t want to be uncomfortable. Purge, and it’ll fix it,” Ed pushed further, noticing my hesitation.
He’d gotten in during a moment of weakness. I purged. And then ate again, just a bit more, not a real “binge” or anything. But then I purged again. I wasn’t having a hard time with my friends. I wasn’t freaking out about anything. It was purely, totally, completely about the food.
And I regret it. I do. A bit. I know that Ed is still here, because he’s telling me that I need to restrict today to make up for what I ate yesterday. Just the same old story, over and over again. And yet I still go with it, believing the lie that I can purge and everything will be fine, that nothing will change. When I got back to the table after purging last night, my friend mentioned that I looked a bit spacey. So much for nothing changing.
I fell into Ed’s trap last night, and I’m falling into it again today. And as far as I can tell, it was only about the food.