I need a reality check. I’m confused about where I am with recovery right now. I’m ambivalent and unsure and frustrated and motivated and apathetic – sometimes all at once. I’ll think that I’m doing great, and then a therapy session will happen where my “Ed head” will totally come out, or I’ll be attempting to eat lunch and my hands will be shaking whenever I try to bring food in my mouth, or I have what I think is a fairly recovery-minded day and then oh hey! I catch myself smack in the middle of doing sit-ups and I’m not even sure how I got there.
I want to be recovered above all. I want to be pretty above all. I want to be satisfied with myself; I want to be wanted; I want to happy; I want to be drop dead gorgeous; I want to be in the moment; I want only to be five steps ahead; I want to do real life, even if it means losing my eating disorder; I want to do perfection, even if it means losing me.
I’m all sorts of ambivalence. I need a reality check.