I think that right now, the mirror is the biggest obstacle to my recovery.
I want to be able to look into the mirror and not hate my body. But right now, that’s not going to happen. Because my head still demands that I be anorexic-thin in order to be able to consider myself acceptable. “Healthy” is not pretty in my mind. No, I have to be fitness model-toned, death bed skinny-legs, jutting collarbone, sunken cheekbones, ribs showing, stomach caving in. That is what my head thinks is pretty. And even if I am able to accept 90% of my body, it’s that 10% that I’m not that’s going to drive me to relapse.
I keep noticing myself thinking, “okay, so you don’t like how you look right now, but once you’re out of program, you can fix that. You can stop eating again. You can exercise more. You can whittle yourself back down to the body you want.”
How am I ever supposed to leave program when I’m thinking like that? My goal is to get healthy enough to leave program, to go back to Los Angeles, to go back to school and friends. Especially friends. I just want to get back to them. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to do that.
Except I don’t think I’m willing to keep it up once I am back with them. So what’s even the point of getting better in the first place if I’m just going to relapse again? Part of me wonders if okay, maybe I should let myself struggle more now, to show that I’m not okay on the inside. But that’s even eating disorder thinking right there, using my actions instead of my voice to speak for me.
I think I worry that my words aren’t going to be powerful enough. That they’re going to be powerless. That I will speak and no one will listen, that I will say my truth and it will do nothing. I’ve had it happen before.
So I keep coming back to the question – what’s the point?