Triggered

We’ve gotten a ton of new admits here this past week. It’s super triggering.

They’re all so. freaking. skinny. Yeah, I came into treatment having lost weight, but I’m nowhere near the lowest I’ve been when starting treatment in the past. And being around all the new admits, especially the ones who are all absorbed in their own eating disorders, is super triggering, because I want to look like them. The collar bones, the thin arms, the legs with thighs that are nowhere near to touching – I want it. And wanting that is dangerous. Because it’s keeping me away from recovery. It’s keeping me stuck. It’s keeping me in eating disorder drive. And I don’t know how to shift gears when it feels like my entire being is yearning for what they have. For what the eating disorder wants. For what, if I got it, might very well kill me.

Because getting there wouldn’t be the end. If I got the collarbones that stick out, the stick arms, the tiny thighs, I’d want more. Or less, rather. I’d want to go down the scale and down the scale and down the scale until I was essentially no longer on the scale – which means there would no longer be a me. And as horrible as that sounds, yeah, it does still feel like an achievement to almost die because of my eating disorder. And all this keeps running through my head, tethering me back, almost every time I look at the new admits.

Ugh. How do you tell someone their existence is triggering?

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7 Responses to Triggered

  1. Apple says:

    Sounds triggering as anything. I hope you manage to find a way of dealing with it. xx

    • miceala says:

      Thank you Apple! My therapist and I have started doing a lot of body-image work to help me work through my own mental distortions, so hopefully that’ll help!

  2. Liz says:

    I honestly think you’re kidding yourself if you believe the end game is really anythin other than the ultimate form of immortality- dying young.
    Maybe the real question is this: do you want to die? Can you look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself a truthful answer?
    Saying “might” kill me- that’s the lie we tell ourselves to believe there’s a chance we wot die, that we’re overreacting and this disease won’t take our life. But ultimately, that’s just the lie Ana told use because she didn’t want to be alone.

    • miceala says:

      Liz, you’re right that when it comes to eating disorders and continuing to engage in them, death isn’t a “might” – it’s a “will.” I suppose I say that I “might die” from this because I’m still ambivalent about recovery. I might relapse again, I might not. Right now, given that I have a life that I’d like to live, I’m trying to motivate myself to hold more and more firmly to that “not.” Thank you for your truthful comment – sometimes we all need a slap of reality to remind us of Ana’s lies that we’ve bought into.

  3. I totally get what you’re saying. All it takes is one look, and then the thoughts start rolling along like they’ll never stop. And it’s not like we can avoid seeing people — we can look away from the magazines, refuse to turn on the tv, but triggers will always be there. Fight, my comrade; one day we will know life beyond our wildest imagining, and it won’t be from thinness! 🙂

  4. It’s crazy, isnt it? Lately I’ve been wondering why I sometimes want to get down to my own low weight, or lower, and stay there. It achieves nothing, it’s painful, why would I want that? Seriously, I have no idea why I keep wanting that. And I’m coming to the conclusion that there are no reasons for feeling triggered, no logic. It’s just part of the disease, it’s not what I want, it’s what the ED wants and I have to seperate out those thoughts. Easier said than done, of course.
    And of course, like you say, there’s no end anyway there’s no such thing as thin enough.
    Best wishes,
    K

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