I worry that I’m going to die from this. I’m obsessed with being thin. I don’t feel acceptable unless I’m thin. It’s like there isn’t anything else that would be acceptable for me. I know it’s a double standard. I look at other people who aren’t “perfectly thin” and don’t think that they’re unacceptable for it. If anything, I see the freedom they have and wish that I shared it. But I feel like I’m trapped. Like the only thing that’s okay for me is to be a paradigm of skinny.
I might just be getting super triggered by one of the other girls here. She’s noticeably skinnier than I am, and it’s irking the hell out of me. Because my eating disorder wants me to be the skinniest one here. Because then I’m okay.
I feel like even if I don’t lose uber a lot of weight to be drastically underweight, when I get out of here, I’m going to return to all those weight-control behaviors in an attempt to stay lean. To stay what is accepted as beautiful. To stay the body shape that gets lauded, that I know is extraordinary and therefore good enough. I’m afraid that I’m just going to go back to everything I’ve been doing in an attempt to just feel good enough. And I’m afraid that I’ll never feel good enough. Whether it’s in “recovery” or that endless chase down the scale and real-life airbrushing, I’m afraid that I’ll never be happy with myself. I’m afraid that I won’t have a life where I can be happy with myself outside of what shape I am.
And that seems really sad.
I see other people who are skinny and think that I would be happy if I were that skinny, too. It would be one less thing to worry about. A body is something that’s so personal, so tied to my identity. I feel like if there’s something out of line on my outside, then it means there’s something out of line on my inside, too. And my head only accepts one standard for what is in line. It’s pretty much looking like a line. Ironic.
I don’t know. I need to process this with my therapist. I’ll keep y’all updated on what she has to say. About the obsession. There’s a quote that I really like, that unfortunately captures my mindset right now; it essentially goes “some call obsession, I call it perfection.”
Right now, perfection is my obsession. And I’m afraid it will kill me.